Comedy Central's Vulgarity-Filled Celebrity Roast Proves the Need for Cable Choice

WARNING: The program description below contain explicit content.  Our intent is not to offend readers, but to offer an accurate description of the program.

On Sunday, August 20, Comedy Central continued its ignominious tradition of airing its indescribably vulgar annual Celebrity Roast.  This year the honoree was William Shatner.  As with previous airings, this year's roast was filled with obscene language and sexually explicit jokes.  

The most disturbing thing about this broadcast isn't even the content – it's the fact that more than two-thirds of U.S. cable subscribers were forced to help subsidize this raunch with their cable bills because of the cable industry's regime of forced-extortion.  Whether or not you want this kind of programming coming into your home, if you are a cable subscriber, part of your cable bill went toward underwriting this program.

Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner:

Jason Alexander hosts. Roasters include Betty White, Andy Dick, Nichelle Nichols, Fred Willard, George Takei and Farrah Fawcett.

• Greg Giraldo:

   

  Greg Giraldo talks about Jason Alexander's career.

   

  Greg: "You've been in more turds than Andy Dick's penis."

   

  Giraldo: "Look at this. Nichelle Nichols, Farrah Fawcett and Betty White. I'll take 'Women I would masturbate to 30 years ago' for $1000, Alex. Somebody get me a time machine so I can crank a couple out. What a cruel joke. Three women you'd wanna (bleeped fuck) thirty years ago, and one I wouldn't (bleeped fuck) thirty beers from now. Farrah Fawcett! God, were you a 70s icon. That poster of you in the bathing suit, holy (bleeped shit). That poster caused more DNA to be spilled than a crime lab technician with Parkinson's disease."

   

  Giraldo insults George Takei.

   

  Giraldo: "I know it couldn't be easy being a gay Japanese man in the 50s. It had to be almost impossible to pronounce 'glory hole' with a Japanese accent."

   

  Giraldo insults Jeff Ross.

   

  Giraldo: "Jeff is such a huge (bleeped asshole) you won't have to spit on your (bleeped dick) first."

• Jeff Ross:

Ross: "What the (bleeped fuck) is on your head right now?...Hang up the hairpiece. Or at least set it free in the park before Andy Dick tries to (bleeped fuck) it...Andy Dick's sole mission in life is to give AIDS back to the monkeys."

• Artie Lang:

Artie Lang: "It's hard hangin' out with a gay guy all day, because you always feel like you have to adjust the conversation so they can relate to it, y'know. Like with George I go 'So George, I was watchin' the Super Bowl -- I mean, sucking (bleeped cock)'...Andy was loaded while he was driving his car and he rammed into a pole. This is a big turnaround for Andy cause usually when he's loaded a pole is getting rammed into him."

• Ben Stiller:

   

  Ben Stiller reads a letter Shatner supposedly sent him when he was a boy.

   

  Ben: "'Dear Ben (bleeped shit)-for-brains, nice (bleeped fucking) letter, (bleeped dick) lick...Did you stick that crayon in your ass and squat over the page?' How drunk were you when you wrote this letter in that hotel room surrounded by whores and pills?...'Why don't you go grab your dad's crowbar and pop your head out of your ass and check out my new show "Barbary Coast"...It's about...San Francisco, which is the perfect town for a mincy little teabag like you. Or better yet, save a stamp and call up George Takei. It would make his day knowing that a ten-year-old boy wants some photos from him. And I'm sure he'd want some of you right back'...I did contact Mr. Takei and he invited me over to his place. And then he told me his lap was a transporter and it would beam me to Heaven."

   

  Stiller flips Shatner off.

• Andy Dick:

   

  Andy Dick appears in a Star Trek costume and Spock ears.

   

  Andy Dick: "I took off the Andy Dick costume and I got more comfortable. My real true name is Andy Kock. That's cock with a K. It's actually a combination to two names -- Kirk and Spock."...

   

  Dick reads from a "captain's log".

   

  Dick [reading]: "'I was just exiting the shower tonight when Spock entered my quarters. He stared at me hungrily, like Lt. Uhura eyeing a plate of ribs. I said 'Spock -- why aren't you -- manning your post'? 'Captain, when was the last time you had your bunghole Vulcanized?' He mounted me, boldly going where only a few guys back in college had gone before. For a being with no emotions, his meat hammer sure seemed to be angry with my butt. Spock did give me the reacharound, or as he called it the Vulcan Teat Pinch. Then he fired off his photon torpedoes deep inside my wormhole.'...Our guest of honor was impregnated. I am the illegitimate butt baby of Kirk and Spock. Kock!"

• Patton Oswalt:

Patton Oswalt: "Lisa Lampanelli has (bleeped fucked) more black men than the Tuskeegee experiments...You know how much bling gets left in Lisa's (bleeped snatch)? It's like a pawnshop down there. Last night Carlos Mencia tried to rob it. Luckily he passed out from the smell."

• George Takei:

   

  Takei addresses Jason: "Great job tonight. And a great job last night, too."

   

  Jason wipes his mouth....

   

  Takei: "It smells like pussy in here. I think. Andy Dick is here tonight...Andy and I have met many times. Until tonight, I'd never seen the front of his head."...

   

  Takei insults Shatner's toupee.

   

  Takei: "Your hair is like my men. Every year it gets darker and thicker. All night long I've had to stare at that tangled, sticky, messy clump of fur. Farrah, please close your legs. At least Betty White had the decency to shave. Bill, your acting is the only thing that makes me want to gag. If I could only get my partner to suck that hard, I'd never leave my chateau...Bill is a generous actor. He gave Nichelle Nichols herpes."

   

  Andy Dick tries to lick Nichelle Nichols. Jeff Ross kisses Takei full on the mouth. Takei licks his lips.

   

  Takei: "If Artie is my cuddly muffin, Bill, you are a rich, gooey devil's food cake that I want to drop my face into...I can finally say what I've waited forty years to say: (bleeped fuck) you and the horse you rode in on!"

• Lisa Lampanelli:

   

  Lisa insults Jason Alexander.

   

  Lisa: "Kiss me, you fat (bleeped fag). I've always wanted to see what Jerry Seinfeld's (bleeped cock) tastes like."

   

  Lisa insults Shatner.

   

  Lisa: "Don't kill yourself. Then Uhura over there won't have anyone's house to clean. I kid. I love you Nichelle -- or as they called you on the Enterprise, mammy...When Elton John heard William Shatner sing 'Rocket Man,' he spit George Takei's (bleeped dick) out of his mouth. George Takei. Being Japanese and gay isn't all bad, right George? It has its benefits. You can bow down to say hello and take it in the (bleeped ass) at the same time. But enough about the Chinaman."
   

• William Shatner:

   

  Shatner states that Star Trek broke a lot of stereotypes.

   

  Shatner: "Not only did we take a chance and allow an Asian gentleman to drive, we had a black woman sitting in front of a large screen who didn't yell things at it. George, I had no idea it would be so rough on you tonight. They really ripped you a new one. I'm sure you'll find a use for it. The guy's my friend to suck my (bleeped cock) for forty years. George, for the last time, I will not let you suck my (bleeped cock)! And Nichelle, thank you very much. Andy Dick...you were very good in...George Takei's mouth...Kevin Pollack, I'm glad my vast talents have been able to make you rich. You've gotten more out of doing me than any woman I've ever slept with, and that includes your wife...Farrah, you really should stay out of the sun. Your skin looks so much like fried chicken that Nichelle's mouth is watering. But Farrah's a wonderful actress. She did that great movie 'The Burning Bed,' not to be confused with Andy Dick's project 'The Burning Butt'...Patton Oswalt, this guy's like a stalker. He wanted to get so close to me he shoved my action figure up his ass. He's such a hard-core geek he didn't even take it out of the box...Why is everyone who's inspired by me such a fat (bleeped fucking) loser?...Who the hell are you people?...Damn right!...Whack off to Lisa Lampanelli."